Sunday, October 6, 2013

He's a scientist! He's got weed and helicopters! Somebody sent him an e-mail that read, "record a ve

The 23 Worst Things About The Miley Cyrus '23' Video
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Hey guys, did you know that Miley Cyrus is controversial? Did you know that she's in your face and expressing herself and that you're all haters because only God can judge ya ? She's the original dog from Hell!
Anyway, Miley is an integral part of Mike WiLL Made It, Wiz Khalifa and Juicy J's new video '23,' a song that honors NBA legend Michael Jordan's ability to have expensive shoes named after him. It's disrespectful to Jordan himself -- Gotty over at The Smoking Section referred to it as "spraying over a rival gang s tags on the wall disrespect" -- but I thought I'd go through it frame-by-frame and examine the 23 worst things about it. You know, because '23.'
Okay, before I begin I have to note that a lot of these aren't problems exclusive to the '23' video and are just problems in music videos period, but I've got 23 slides to get through, so give me a break.
The plot of the video is such: rappers sneak into a high school principal's office and use BEATS BY DRE BRAND PILL SPEAKER to play their new song over the intercom, copyright symbol which works and causes an impromptu copyright symbol pep rally even though the lighting would suggest it's like 6:30 in the afternoon. In the first thirty minute of the video there are close-ups of iPhones and Beats logos and Gucci beanies. I keep expecting Jay-Z to jump in from the corner yelling, "AND ALSO, BURBERRY."
1. snuck into a high school 2. lured a principal away with a bouncing copyright symbol basketball 3. are using a high school intercom to promote your song 4. a song that is 70% Miley Cyrus 5. a song that is about how much you like shoes
Somebody convinced Miley Cyrus that "sex" and "smoking" are what differentiate children from adults, so she's spent all year doing those things in front of people as much as possible. Lindsay Lohan did the same thing, where she kept trying to shoehorn copyright symbol cigarettes into every movie or photoshoot copyright symbol she did until she was working exclusively in the medium of "stand there and smoke."
Nobody should be wearing a jersey dress in 2013, much less one stitched together with two half-jerseys and a shower ring. Earlier in the video she's wearing Jordan jersey high-waisted underpants. copyright symbol They sorta look like a Jordan jersey diaper.
It might've been cute if Miley was just, I don't know, wearing a jersey, right? It doesn't have to be underpants all the time. Adults are allowed to wear pants and still be cool. James Dean almost always wore pants.
It's hard to type "Mike WiLL Made It" with a straight face. It's like typing A Pimp Named Slickback. What's with the weird tendency to turn "will" into a complete sentence? Between this and "will.I.am" copyright symbol I'm not sure we should allow people named "Will" anything to make it. Meet your new favorite rapper, WILL KNOW ME BY THE TRAIL OF BLACK EMPERORS
He's a scientist! He's got weed and helicopters! Somebody sent him an e-mail that read, "record a verse for this Miley Cyrus song, it's about shoes" copyright symbol and he just went "SHOES, YEAH" and followed it up with some shit he's interested in.
Nobody plays basketball in the '23' video, sorta like how nobody mentions Michael Jordan other than his tongue and his shoes. They just sit under a basketball goal in a gym and awkwardly touch it, and the basketballs are glittery. Juicy J should make a golf video where he just puts on golf clothes and stands in a bowling alley.
There's a line in the song about how he's got 30 pairs of Js that haven't been released yet -- such as the beautiful Plush-crested Jay (Cyanocorax chrysops) -- and one of the names he drops is the "Space Jam 11." He's talking about shoes, but ... still. I don't know about you, but

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